What happen after the last failed IVF

What happen after the failed IVF attempt

Just an update in conjunction with my previous post on my first IVF attempt which turned to another IuI.

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A quick flashback: 

I have done 3 IuI(s) / Insemination back in 2016 and 1 IVF which turned to be cancelled at the last minute and replaced with another IuI back in April,2017.

Sorry it took me this long to update. I needed time to not think of it too much. Time heal, as they said.

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That attempt was also a failed one. I bleed a week after the insemination. Just like the first three IuIs. Somehow, I knew it wouldn't work. How can I not? Well, with all the problems that came along with it and against the effort, it is impossible for me to believe it will somehow work. Don't get me wrong, I do hope it will. My hope was so high it crushes me every single time I went for the ultrasound. Just as much as I was with all three IUI. Thus, it caused a huge disappointment. Every single time.

Depression

In the end I found myself spiralling into a deep depression. All the failures had taken a toll on me. I was very upset and started to blame myself for things doesn't work as I wanted to. I know he does to.

I avoided my friends and even going out meeting new people. If I do going somewhere, I prefer to be alone. Most of the time, I stayed indoor. Watching movies, series and read books. Somehow, I feel rather content that way. No questions. No assumptions. No "If". No "Why not". No " try to do this or that". No "I heard...". 

Everyone one who knew what I am going through keep telling and reminding me to avoid stress and try to relax and stay calm. But with all the questions, advises and assumptions given to me are the one that avoiding me to avoid stress, be relax and to stay calm. I know they mean well.

Anyway, after the last failed IVF attempt (April,2017), I did what I had told my doctor. It is to take a break from the fertility treatment for me to get my life and my sanity back. At the end of May, my husband and I went for a long vacation. We were away for almost 6 weeks. Away from Sweden to a warm and comforting place in my heart. We visited my family. The new yet very familiar environment. It helps a lot. I am very thankful for every blessings God has given me. What I appreciate the most is a man that stood by my side and supporting me with whatever decision I made. A man who have made a lot of effort to find a way to understand what it takes after taking hormones cocktails. A man who pamper me from a distance when my mood swing kicking in hard core to the point I can’t stand his sight. At times, I asked myself what I have done to deserve him. 

6 weeks long holiday and soon will be a year since our last failed IVF attempt. What next?

We came up with a conclusion to quit fertility treatment. It will be just the two of us and our cat Tinkerbell. I thought it would be a difficult decision to make. But it was not. We both feel like it is the best and the right choice for us. There was no convincing needed towards each of us. There are many reason that leads to this conclusion. Main reason is how it my body reacted to the meds.

If you don’t know, then you must know. Everyone reacts differently after taking these hormones meds. I personally know someone that has no reaction what so ever after taking the meds. But me. I was another person. As if I have another personality. 

Weight gain

On top of that, my body has also changed after two years of taking these hormones. One of them is gaining weight. Like a lot of it. But that did not concern me at all. Because weight is something I can get rid of if I work for it. (hey, I said IF). 

Itchy and crusted aerolas

The moment I started the IVF treatment, with the new hormones, came new problem. To name a few, my worse is being what happened to my areolas. They were very dry and crusted and my nipples itches so bad. Sometimes the crust/dry bleeds.

Countless times, where when they itch, and I can’t find a good spot to hide and scratch away the itchiness, my eyes get watery (not crying) from trying to mind control to stop the itch. It never works though. In case you are wondering. 

I never had a good sleep either because my sleep has always disrupted by the itchiness and urges to give a good scratch, but I had to control myself because if I do, I might cause them bleed and in worse case it will cause infection. It is not the kind of itch that stop when you scratch. It the kind that the more you scratch, the more itch it gets. One of the solution I took is to sleep with a sports bra and placed a cotton pad because even a rub of t-shirt will cause immense itch. I tried to sooth it with cream. Baby oil. Body lotion. Unscented body wash. Unscented laundry detergent. But none works. I was in that state for months! It is gone now. It has been two months since. I assume the meds has left the building. I’m grateful for that.

Irregular cycle

My monthly cycle has also changed since my first and last IVF attempt in April 2017. My normal cycle is between 30-34 days. But in May I had 40 days while June was 37days. I also blame it to the travel we made. Since, it is very common that travelling may cause disruption in monthly cycle. This happen most commonly by jetlag. 
I missed my cycle again in January. This time i missed for 67 days. The longest i have ever experienced. 

Depression and Mood Swing

Depression is something I had ever since I started fertility treatment. It goes away once I stop taking the meds. So, does with mood swings. Find out what lead to the depression. For me, it was constant reminders from all the questions, assumptions and advices. What I did back then was to keep myself away from parties, meetings and public interactions. I keep my circle neat and tight. I keep in touch with the others only via messages.

There are many other reasons. I can continue for ages. But let me stop here because these are the one I find important to share.

If you are going to give IuI or IVF a try. I wish you good luck! Again, remember, everyone reacts differently towards the meds.